Things I Want to Call into Sports Talk Radio About This Week

  I live in New York City, where people only own cars in order to complain about having cars. The absence of an automobile in my life has mainly been something I’m pretty ok with, however, I definitely miss sports talk radio. In my opinion listening to the callers on your average sports show is the quickest way to gain an understanding of the community in whatever part of the world you happen to be driving through. Don’t get me wrong, you usually come away with a very unflattering understanding, but after two years in which my fellow man has disappointed endlessly, I’m nostalgic for the kind of low stakes disappointment I felt whenever I’d tune into Mike Francesa. This problem could be solved with a $10 trip to any thrift store or by downloading any number of free radio apps, but instead I’m going to use this space to air my garbage sports takes. 

1. Fire Joe Judge!

ESPN reported yesterday that the Giants are sticking with Joe Judge and Daniel Jones at least through next season. I have pretty lukewarm feelings about both of them. Jones has shown flashes of brilliances and Judge has shown flashes of a basic understanding of the game of football all while both men have been surrounded by a garbage roster, but cautious, measured opinions don’t make for good call ins, so for these purposes, Judge is the fucking devil!

To begin with, the Mara family seems to finally give enough of a shit about fielding a decent football team that they’re willing to part ways with Dave Gettleman (firing an employee is beneath them, the Maras always “part ways”), why would we limit our new GM search to people who are willing to work with an existing Head Coach and QB combination which has only produced double digit loss seasons? Second, what was up with that fake play to punt call against the Eagles yesterday? This may seem like a small point to base a hiring or firing decision around, but it allows me to break out a hallmark of the radio caller, dropping a well known and easily googlable fact to show that you’ve “done your homework.” I can already imagine the satisfaction in my voice as I say, “Judge used to be a special teams coach you know, he should be better at that part of the game at least.” Really separate myself from the 10% of fans who don’t remember that.

2. How Will the Lockout Affect the Baltimore Orioles?

I don’t have an actual point to make about this. In fact, I’m fairly certain there is no actual point to be made about this, but that’s not the point of calling into sports talk radio is it? No, the point is simply to be heard, and let me tell you, it’s been really difficult to find anyone willing to talk about the Baltimore Orioles in recent years. So the gameplan for this one is to keep it generic while talking to the producer, tell them I have a spicy take about the lockout, and then, if I get on air, just kind of riff. 

Getting past the producers would obviously be the trickiest part of this whole endeavor if I actually called these takes in. I don’t have any great tips on how to pull this off, but thinking about it brought up a very specific memory. Back when the Mike and the Mad Dog show was the centerpiece of WFAN in New York, Mike and Chris “Mad Dog” Russo were poking fun at Daryl Strawberry for crying at the World Series parade after one of the Yankees 90’s championships. My dad called in and told the producer he did not want to get on the air, but wanted the producer to tell Francesa and Russo they were both douche bags. The producer, sensing excellent content, tried his damnedest to get my old man in the ring with NYC's loudest of loudmouths, but to no avail. It was a moment that shaped my very confusing idea of masculinity. I wonder if they ever got the message.

3. Tom Thibodeau Once Dated a Supermodel but he Dumped Her Because He Can’t Love Anything as Much as He Loves Basketball

My girlfriend tells me this every time we watch a Knicks game together. Every. Single. Time. We’re not an all 82 family, but we watch often enough that she can’t possibly think this is new information. Moreover, I don’t really understand what the takeaway is supposed to be. I’m pretty happy with the way the Kicks have been playing under Thibadeau, so I don’t really need to be sold on him, and even if I did, does she think this is the fact that would get me in his corner? 

In fact, if you think really hard about it, which you absolutely shouldn’t, most of the implications are surprisingly problematic for my usually very progressive girlfriend. In spite of or because of this though, I think it will kill with the Francesa crowd. And if it backfires and I’m mocked relentlessly, made she’ll stop bringing it up. A true win-win.